It was a beautiful sunny day, just right for Colin and his faithful hound Jimbo to meet up with his sister, Tina, and her mate, Steve, down on the outskirts of Norwich City centre at one of their numerous watering holes. Tina lodged in an unofficial capacity in Steve’s tower block flat, having met him through mutual acquaintances of her brother’s. The three of them met at a riverside pub called The Compleat Angler, got themselves a beer each and sat outside on the tables overlooking the river Wensum. Jimbo, a Labrador cross Alsation who resembled a bear, accompanied Colin everywhere and is known affectionately by all that know them as Colin’s extra appendage like in that Rolf Harris song. As the three of them sit there soaking up the beer and the sunshine, Tina and Steve decide that they are going to go out on the town later and paint a few nightclubs various colours. They obviously ask Colin out of politeness if he is up for it, even though they know that he will graciously decline. Colin’s never really been into the clubbing scene, preferring some rock venue over that sort of music, and although the option of getting completely blotto is quite appealing, he has been battling his alcoholism of late, so he decides for a change to get quietly stoned on some particularly good weed that he has procured from a reliable source. This is in fact why they are sitting outside, as they share one or two joints with their refreshing beers. After a couple of hours Colin opts to go off on his travels through the woods back to the estate to carry on being mellow, whilst Tina and Steve get one for the road from the pub, before they go off into town to have a major piss swilling session.
Colin and Jimbo have a very chilled walk back through the woods, about an hour’s walk from the city centre, especially when he stops in the sun to skin up, twice; back to the estate that they reside on, Colin smoking along the way, both of them enjoying the great summer afternoon and all the colours of the woods. He has taken Steve’s keys with him, as the three of them are going to meet up later and have a few jays and maybe watch a film, after Steve and Tina have painted Norwich a rainbow. He would have gone back to his flat but had recently had rent issues with the council and therefore had been evicted! He was currently sofa surfing and just went where the wind blew him and Jimbo. So upon arriving back at the estate, man and dog go to the tower block that Steve lives in and Jimbo is deposited in Steve’s flat with a big bowl of grub and a nice juicy leg bone from a cow. At this point Colin decides to go and be sociable with someone else who lives in the same tower-block. Kelvin, one of those seemingly harmless rogues, that many people know even if they don’t admit to it publicly, who is currently looking after a front-room unit for him and his sister. Tina is going to be moving to London in just a few short weeks for pastures new, as an assistant manager in a Bakery. They have known Kelvin for about five years and he is one of those characters that appear sociable enough for the fact that he is always looking for the next scam to attempt and make a few quid. His latest one has been to buy a year’s tax for the Jaguar he has bought, with his flatmate’s money, copy the year’s tax disc on a colour photocopying machine, displays the copy in the windscreen and then sends the actual disc back to DVLA and gets the money back. He even got stopped a couple of weeks ago and the copper did not say a word about the disc, it looked that authentic. No wonder the police are pushing for the new data base that displays all paper-work for cars on their in car computers. Colin enters Kelvin’s flat as the door is opened and is promptly offered a beer, as Kelvin is part of the same drinking circles that Colin is well integrated into, whilst desperately trying to convince himself that he is going to kick the habit. Kelvin is one of the circle’s members that understands this stand point and has been on the wagon himself a few times so is forced to put the kettle on as Colin doesn’t want any more alcohol, he’s nicely stoned now and is going to continue being a good lad and not get into another bender. There is also a woman, Sukie, in the flat; somebody that Kelvin claims a carer’s allowance for, as she really is quite incapable of taking care of herself, even though she is around forty. This takes pressure away from Kelvin as far as the dole are concerned, as it means that he doesn’t have to sign on and can spend more time on those scams, rather than wasting time looking for a job. Over the last two or three months though, Sukie has been saying to Colin and his neighbours that Kelvin has been hitting her. Now we’ve all done it at some time or other, saying that the feeble brained person doesn’t really know what they’re talking about, much like you might say, “well, it’s only a kid, they don’t know what they’re saying.” Funny how adults do that though, as children seem generally much more honest and it’s not until they’re scarred from abuse and bad treatment that they get to lying and being disrespectful. Who can blame a person when they do nothing but tell the truth and yet have no one believe them. Therefore, all of them had pretty much pooh-poohed her suggestions, telling her they were sure that Kelvin wouldn’t do that as he claimed for her (care’s allowance), made a home for her and basically looked after her. It’s amazing how appearances can be so deceptive. They really should have pushed it a little more and wondered why she only ever said it when Kelvin wasn’t around. With hindsight it’s always easier to see the truth though. Especially through sober eyes years later as back in those days everything was enveloped in an alcohol haze blurring all the senses like a wedding veil over the bride’s face (or is that to cover the blushing bride’s hangover!?)
So after just one spliff and his cup of tea not even drunk, Colin was absolutely gobsmacked to see the head of Sukie going backwards rapidly in quick succession, as if she was in the ring with a boxer. Right out of the blue and right in front of a witness and yet there it was, Kelvin physically abusing his charge. After Sukie’s accusations a few weeks ago and the fact that Kelvin put on such a proper public show of looking after this girl, Colin just cannot believe it for a moment and even has a thought run through his head of,”Shit! The silly girl wasn’t fucking lying!” Why do we get those crazy, inane thoughts run through our minds in moments of severe stress? Colin stands straight up to confront this impromptu, one sided boxing bout but Colin is not really a violent type. He does not take to bullies though and like any decent person he is going to find out what the crack is, after all, most bullies will back down from confrontation (don’t they?). He shouts at the person he had believed to be some kind of mate, or associate at least,
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing Kelvin?!”
Of all the reactions that he could’ve expected though, he doesn’t foresee Kelvin running like a headless chicken, straight into his own kitchen and cowering in a corner with his hands over his head, gibbering like the school nerd,
“D-d-don’t hit me, I-I don’t want n-no trouble. I-I d-didn’t m-mean it!””
He looks absolutely pathetic, like a poor tortoise stranded on its back unable to turn the right way up. At this reaction Colin literally orders this pathetic picture that he is going to take Sukie out of the flat, until Kelvin calms down, whilst he decides what should be done here. He is contemplating what services he might be able to call to get the poor girl out of there; and to think that he and his neighbours had completely disbelieved her when she had tried to tell them that Kevin was beating her up, how guilty does he feel now? Again it shows how you really cannot judge a book by its cover as Kelvin seems to be portraying a very different persona to the real one lurking just below the surface.
Colin takes Sukie up to the Steve’s flat upstairs, makes a great fuss of Jimbo as it doesn’t matter where he is , just like any dog the moment you come through the door they go bloody chicken oriental, with wagometer flying and howl-barking his pleasure at seeing his Master again. Quite handy that Sukie really likes Jimbo too, otherwise this could seem a little scary, as in the way that a child is wary of a strange dog running towards them. She is more like the young girl who’s head over heels in love with the family pet over Jimbo though. He then attempts to try explaining to Sukie how wrong Kelvin is in his actions. It’s a real shame, but the poor girl in fact is quite simple, in the way that a mentally challenged person is and just does not get it. All she really seems to know for sure is that Kelvin is her carer, looks after all the money and has made her a home in his flat, perfectly brain washed by her charge. And upon appearances, this is exactly what it is, until just recently when Colin saw with his own eyes what a fiction that actually is. Colin tries to reiterate to Sukie what he has already said about calling the police if Kelvin does this again, but it is a waste of time as she just wants to go home, seemingly oblivious that there could be any kind of alternative to her carer using her as a personal punch bag. He makes himself another joint to take with him on a walk with Jimbo and decides to drop Sukie back downstairs again in her home and Kelvin’s flat on the way down in the elevator. There is no sign of him anywhere though and Colin repeats again his advice about calling the police if Kelvin hits her again, but just sees the same doe like expression on her face and knows that the words are going straight over her head, like a dandelion seed on the breeze.
He and Jimbo then go downstairs to the main entrance where Colin bumps into Kelvin. He’s accompanied by two policemen as he enters into the foyer of the tower-block. Colin manages to fumble the jay out of his mouth and out of sight, just as Kelvin then runs straight at him, obviously feeling brave with the boys in blue next to him, and aims a punch at his face. He does connect but there is no conviction in the action at all and to be honest a slap would have hurt more. It is like a soft brush being run across his cheek. The bravado of the geek when they believe they’ve found some back up. The police are suitably unimpressed though and grab Kelvin, telling him,
”There’s no need for that. Calm down or we’ll nick ya.”
“But he’s the one I told you about…” is Kelvin’s high pitched whining response but one of the coppers just haul his arm up behind his back and smile at Colin as if to say, “Don’t worry, we know about him!”
Colin just wants to get out the building now so this is a bit of luck really as he has a jay in his pocket and his dog wants a walk. He leaves the building unchallenged leaving the boys in blue to deal with a gibbering mess, much like the one Colin had witnessed in his own flat twenty minutes ago. At this point it would seem that the real criminal may just get his just desserts.
After a nice leisurely stroll around the woods on what is a typical summer’s evening with the sun beating its last warmth of the day down to earth, Colin goes back up to Steve’s flat to await his sister and and unofficial landlord from their jigging and painting the city of Norwich various colours. He uses the borrowed keys to let himself in and as Shane is an absolute film nut, there’s archives of films lying around his flat, not just a few titles, so he is ready to chill in front of the goggle box with a few phat ones. Jimbo is as pleased as ever to have a chance to chill with his master and he gets treats from the proverbial box of “Markies”. Consequently the incident with Kelvin has now fallen to the back of his brain for now and he has decided that he’ll run the odd events by his sis and her flatmate later on. After all, it was certainly strange behaviour, and it’s only a piece of furniture, they can always get another front room unit if needs be. It’ll probably be more important to tell all known associates about the physical abuse on Sukie and perhaps give Kelvin his chances in the dock of a Kangaroo Court.
When the prodigals do arrive back in the small hours, Tina is pretty compos mentis, surprisingly for a night on the tiles, whilst Steve is just completely and utterly rat arsed and unable to walk in a straight line. He listens to their nightclub woes and tribulations in a friendly, amiable manner and then relates his own strange occurrences of the earlier evening events with Kelvin. Steve is stuffed into his armchair like any pissed person manages to do, somehow without tipping over and isn’t likely to move before morning, so hasn’t really taken any of the details in at all. Tina is appalled though, not only for the fact that Kelvin is cagey about the their piece of furniture, but that he really has been hitting his charge, after her and Colin’s mates had disbelieved her accusations of Kelvin hitting her, believing that she is a simpleton; plus the fact that he has had a go at her brother too which to her is always a heinous crime. After a short deliberation, funnily enough completely devoid of any input by Steve, they both decide to go back down to Kelvin’s flat and see what he’s playing at with, A- the piece of furniture and B- why he’s using Sukie as a punch-bag when he’s supposed to be her carer. It doesn’t matter that it’s about 2.30am as Kelvin is known for being out and about during unsociable hours and so they half expect to find him not home anyway. These are the only reasons for going down to see him and at this point there is no animosity or thoughts of violence whatsoever from Colin and his sister, they are merely going down to talk. Tina would agree with the rules of the estate and that would be to get Kelvin sorted through street rules, as the punishment would undoubtedly be more fitting than a conventional society court. After two or three minutes of knocking at Kelvins door though and seeing that there are lights on and obviously someone at home, they decide that they will leave and wait until the morning to have it out with him, quite possibly with most of Colin’s neighbours and anyone else who gets to know about the assault of what can only be seen as a minor. After all, Sukie really cannot look after herself and this is why she needs a carer.
At that moment though, the door flies open suddenly, like a greyhound out of its stall, and they find themselves sideways to it. As Tina turns her head to the door she gets the contents of a kettle full of boiling water straight at her! Colin just reacts instinctively and runs in front of her, despite the fact that Tina is better equipped for confrontation with her karate skills, and makes a grab for the kettle to get it away from Kelvin. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Kelvin coming upwards as if in a punching motion and again feints to the left with his own arm going up in front of his face as if to block the punch, which is purely instinctual. It is at this point that he feels the slice straight across the back of his hand, but he does not see a knife at any point. He just slaps his other hand on top of the wound, a reflex action from first aid courses in the past and yells at Tina to get the fuck out of there as Kelvin has a knife.
The two of them get upstairs to Steve’s flat to lick wounds, gather wits and see about their next course of action. Steve being in that drunken merry state of happy drunks comes to greet them, tottering with a big grin on his face and asks them if they have things sorted as he is quite oblivious of anything at that time. Now Steve does not really have the stomach for anything that involves blood, and upon hearing that Kelvin has just wounded Colin’s hand quite severely, precedes to try laughing it off, in that way that drunk and intoxicated people have of not believing what is being told them. Colin says that he won’t show him his hand as he knows how squeamish Steve is, but as most drunken, merry people will, Steve insists that he is fine, “Thash awrite. I can ‘andle it! Haw haw”. Colin removes his top hand just long enough to show fatty cells, tendons and a blood vessel neatly chopped in half which makes Steve react in a very girly way. He shrieks, goes white as a starched sheet and his eyes spin in their sockets! When Tina and her brother get their mate sorted out and into his chair and make sure he’s okay, both wondering who the patient is here, the three of them decide together that at 2.30 am it is a bit late to be walking all the way to the A&E department across the other side of the city, so they ring an ambulance. They aren’t going to bother with the police as they think that this is one of those incidents that will get sorted by the tried and tested estate way. Kelvin will get marched to some out of the way place to have his punishment meted out. There will be two charges though, not just the boiling water and a knife violence against two people at his front door. The main and heinous crime will be for the treatment of his charge, especially as he has been able to pull the wool over the eyes of the people that he hangs around with and make loads of dudes disbelieve somebody with the mind of a child. After all, there is much pride at stake here.
When the ambulance arrives fifteen minutes later, Tina and Colin find out that it is standard practice for the police to turn up with any ambulance called out for a knife wound or anything that relates to violence. Two boys in blue come in to chat to Colin and although he does not know these cozzers, it is obvious that they have acquainted themselves with the paper version of Colin down the nick, as he does have a little previous. They’re not actually out of order with him though and Colin quickly realises that these two uniformed lads really do not like Kelvin at all. Not that they’re allowed to say so outright, but how they refer to Kelvin is quite blatantly obtuse and it’s fairly apparent that they wouldn’t cross the street to piss on him if they saw him on fire. This settles Colin immensely, as for a change he is the victim here and he says to them, “Look, there’s not really any need for you guys to be here as I don’t want to press charges, I’m not a grass. I’m not a fighter either as you will have seen from my records. But seriously, I’m sure that Kelvin will find justice in some way or other.” The boys in blue calmly explain that as they were called after an ambulance dealing with a knife wound, then they have to deal with it as standard procedure. The ensuing fifteen minutes, with a paramedic bandaging Colin’s hand simultaneously, has both the coppers insisting that although Colin may know a few dudes, that he should leave Kelvin alone as they WILL get him. They enthuse this with much relish, it seems that they really do not appreciate anything about Kelvin and that they have been looking for something like this for quite a while in which to go after him. He also informs Colin that they have already had Kelvin picked up and that he will be spending the rest of the night at Great Yarmouth Constabulary’s cells. Colin isn’t that convinced though and says several times, “Look it’s great that you want him sooo bad, but I just feel that it won’t do any good as I reckon he’s a grass. Not that I can prove that, and you two probably won’t even be able to find out if he’s being run by someone. But I’m convinced he knows a ranking copper as there’s quite a few things he does that I’m amazed he gets away with!” The lads in blue do a pretty amazing job of convincing Colin though and as they are leaving, vehemently stating that they will get him for this. Colin then says something to them that he has never done and will never do again for the rest of his life. He tells them of some of the stuff that Kelvin is up to and says, “I’m only telling you this because I’m so convinced he’s gonna get off. So if my worst nightmare scenario comes true, then I want you to remember this and you’ll have something to fall back on and still have him.” At that moment in time Colin did not realise how prophetic those words would be though.
Six months has elapsed and the big day of the trial for Kelvin has come around. This is actually fairly quick for something to come up before the Crown Court, some cases get dragged out for ages. The coppers that had originally wanted Kelvin must want him pretty bad as most cases would be around the eighteen month mark. Tina has actually moved to London since the incident and has had to come back for a couple of days to give evidence, but all expenses are paid and she has been put up in an hotel. Colin by now is around Steve’s as he got evicted from his flat for rent arrears. Jimbo the dog is with him obviously, but they have to be a bit careful as Steve is not meant to have any animals living in his flat (or sub-lets) and the council are even a bit funny over visiting animals. Funny really, because if they ever did home visits then they would find probably nearly half the tower block tenants had pets! As far as the court case goes, the police have really looked after Colin and his sister and their belief is quite infectious, as Colin is full of belief these days that they will get their man, despite earlier reservations. He has no dressings or stitches left on his hand, just an ugly red scar and is still undergoing physiotherapy on the hand tendons. He has also been signed on as sick for the last six months as all this hassle lost him his job, which was agency work, but agencies do not tend to stand by employees and do not pay sick. Straight onto the rock’n’roll. He did manage to get Steve working though by telling him that he knew that there was at least one job going down the agency, namely his. Steve hadn’t looked back either and had stuck with it. Colin has also steered well clear of Kelvin too. He has spotted him in the street a few times but resisted the temptation to confront him, instead taking the police’s advice and waiting for the courts to do the do.
Going into the court Colin and his sister are met by a young PC who has been sent in place of officer 212, as 212 is busy with another case and cannot make it. All his statements are in order though and he has been absolutely thorough about bringing the case against Kelvin. Colin and Tina are treated very well and as far as Colin knows at the time, this is the first time he has walked into the Crown without having to be searched, as well as being whisked off to a room of their own and waited on with tea and coffee. They could even smoke in the room as this was a long time before anyone had even talked about a smoking ban, let alone implement one. The court building is very modern too, in direct contrast to Norwich City which is known for being about ten years behind the rest of the country as a rule.
After about an hour of sitting, waiting, smoking, Tina gets the nod. It’s time for her to step into the dock and give her version of events of that very surreal night. Colin obviously has to wait and even after Tina has done her bit they are not allowed to see each other in case they confer. Colin gets another hour of drinking tea, smoking and hanging there, suspended in his nerves. And he isn’t the accused! When the luvly young lass usher comes and gives him the nod, he gets up on shaky legs, even though he is giving evidence against someone else accused of any crimes. How is it that pretty much any human can stand in front of authority figures and still feel as guilty as sin when they know they have not done anything wrong? He is led down a short corridor and taken through some kind of side door to the court room that he never even knew existed. Then across the front of the bench to stand in the witness stand. The prosecution Barrister does all that he had instructed Colin on how it would go. Then the defence stands up and even though Colin knows that what he has told to be the truth he is tied up in knots and cut to shreds by the way that the defence barrister has twisted all his words. After this verbal onslaught he knows just how a caged animal would be feeling when caught for no reason. He leaves the court feeling completely as if he is the one in the wrong. So when he got a phone call from one of the police officers two hours later to let him know that Kelvin had been acquitted he wasn’t really that surprised. Harbouring those thoughts of six months ago, when he felt as if no one was listening to him about Kelvin being a nark and would get off, he then said to the copper on the line, “Look I really appreciate you ringing me and letting me know the outcome, even though I knew back then it would be what you’re telling me. Do you know PC 212?” The officer replied in the affirmative and Colin continued. “Well, if you can and don’t mind passing on a message for me please, just tell him that Colin said remember what I told him about Kelvin. He’ll understand.”
Funny how time manages to heal as the old cliche goes. Colin had wanted to get away from the city for a while, mainly to disassociate from the drinking circles that he had frequented most of his adult life. He’d found himself back down the coast for a while in a really plum job where he lived on site. Little caravan plugged into the clubhouse and a ready supply of gas bottles so he didn’t even have to pay any bills. They even loved the fact of him having Jimbo in tow, it made his Night-watchman duties look more professional for sure. Big, bushy black dog looking like a bear in tow, and doing exactly as he was told, he’d even chase people to command! Not that he’d hurt anyone intentionally, he just looked menacing, but he did enjoy chase. When that job ended though (due to the campsite being sold), he drifted back towards the city for work. He crashed at a really good friend’s flat as she got on with the dog too. Found a really good position working on the bins. To boot, he had been on the wagon for about two years now and really back into driving. This is why he could look much farther afield for work and would drive about eight miles just to get to the yard. Kept him really fit too, legs like Nijintsky, and I mean the racehorse! So upon his return home one day, how surpised was he? To see Kelvin crossing the road, right in front of him, as he waited at a pedestrian crossing. Now obviously Kelvin had no idea of Colin’s movements over the last couple of years. As Colin drove by him he saw that usual underhand little smile on his face. Colin shot around the corner and parked up. As luck would have it, Kelvin was passing down the street at the back of the close. He walked though the alley at the top of the close and stood waiting for him with arms folded, looking like the cat with the cream. Kelvin’s face was an absolute picture as Colin was the last person in the world he was expecting to run into. The exchange went something like this :
“Fancy seeing you then. Nark!” Colin enunciated each word precisely.
“Wh-Wha, no. Don’t want any trouble…”
“Well you shoulda thought ‘bout that two years ago then eh?”
“What’d I do…”
“Wanka! Knife across my hand? Kettle full of boiling water in my sister’s face?! Beating up Sukie and just being a fucking nark and a nonce!?”
Kelvin has blanched white again by now. He looks absolutely pathetic. Funny how confronted bully boys do that when they find the balance shifted.
“A-ah-na, surely we can sort this out mate? Let’s go have a drink. Got some cider up mine…”
At this comment Colin just goes an inch from his face, eyes glaring like a bull on speed from the anger and hisses out his retort, enunciating each syllable with venom.
“ I HAVEN’T HAD A DRINK FOR TWO AND A HALF FUCKIN YEARS!”
Kelvin goes white as if someone has just white washed him. Blanches completely, all colour gone from him. He looks utterly pathetic, like the school bully who gets his come uppance when all the kids decide enough is enough. In fact thinks Colin to himself, he looks just like he did all those years ago, when he curled into a pathetic lump in his own kitchen. Amazing what guilt does to people. The old cliché says that the truth hurts and this one was hurting Kelvin more than any thumping ever would. It was at exactly this point that Colin decided there was absolutely no way that he was going to hit Kelvin. He had always been good at winding people up with just his mouth and he had nothing to fear from such a worm. So the rest of this exchange was pretty comical, unless you were Kelvin.
“Cmon then you tubby piece of nonce shite. Why don’t you have a lash out at me. But remember, I ain’t Sukie, I can hit ya back but after that lame assed punch you threw at me a coupla years ago in front of them coppers, well, let’s just say that I really ain’t shaking in my boots!”
“Just s-st-stammer them worms again eh! Shows you to be the nasty little piece of verminous human slime that you are Kelvin!”
At this barrage of abuse from Colin, he just went beetroot red in his cheeks, which was accentuated by the blanching and tried swinging his huge bike lock at Colin. Colin was enjoying himself now though, and even being the first person to admit that he was no hard man, he found himself catching the lock each time it was swung at him. The more this happened, the more agitated that Kelvin became and he decided he was going to pick his bike up and attempt to throw it at Colin. Colin almost doubled up with laughter though as Kelvin attempted to lift it. This confrontation was actually so laughable; two grown men that weren’t geezer like in any way really, attempting to rut like stags! This sort of thing should be on telly as a sit-com. But any kind of violence is wrong though and a poor lady living in one of the terraced houses on the opposite side of the road, came out to try and stop the stupid behaviour.
“Stoppit! Just stop that! It’s daytime and I really can’t handle two men fighting out on the street. If you don’t quit it, then I will be forced to call the police!”
This was delivered in a near hysterical shriek, but a lass on her own, with two idiot males rutting in the street, then you couldn’t blame her. Kelvin at the word police was off anyway. Scooting off like a cat squirted by a water pistol. Colin hurled loads more abuse after him with a huge sarcastic grin and voluminous amounts of relish. He walked over the road to the scared lady too, and being very friendly explained his actions.
“ I’m really sorry to have scared you my dear. It’s that years ago he scarred my hand with a knife as well as chucking a kettle full of boiling water into my sister’s face.”
At this the lady calmed very slightly but remained at a distance.
“ I really don’t blame you for calling the police and I say go and do that anyway if that’s how you feel. But the guy who just legged it off got off the charges when he done me hand and I think he’s a grass. But I wouldn’t deny it though and if you call them then my name is Colin Petri and I would gladly speak to the old bill about that nonce and woman beater again. Again I apologise for my slovenly behaviour and hope the rest of your day is better.”
At this point Colin left a somewhat bemused lady stood by her gate and walked to the alley that would lead to his digs. Violence isn’t the answer, nor should it ever be, but Colin knew that he had not actually been violent. He most definitely was extremely abusive to Kelvin with his acidic tongue, cutting Kelvin’s pride more efficiently than a butcher’s boner, but he didn’t feel guilty. In fact he felt really good about himself for not actually laying a finger on the woman beating grass! A poor feeble woman at that who was supposedly in his care. So Colin felt absolutely brilliant at knowing that the rest of Kelvin’s day would pretty much feel as if he had lost a nifty and found a washer.